Planting Seeds..... (Religious post.. fair warning)

I feel like I need to say this… (perhaps before I forget..) My experience as an inactive member of the church has been long and drawn out.. I attended church once in a while.. probably every other month or so. I feel truly lucky to have the life that I DO have, because I certainly wasn’t searching the right way for it…I was blessed with my great family anyway… But to be honest, I wasted a lot of time when I should have been accomplishing the tasks God had intended for me…. I am now painfully aware of the experiences I have missed out on, and the slow process of finding my way back to living the gospel every day.

It is easy to think that you can “sin now, and repent later…” but I can’t begin to tell you how much harder it is to find the motivation to get going again. For a number of years, Sunday was considered to be a “day off” for our family, one of leisure, and laziness…. I Didn’t spend my inactive years killing, or doing drugs, or living a horrible life… but I am honestly a little embarrassed and even ashamed of what I was ACTUALLY spending most of that time doing-Nothing.

Don‘t get me wrong… I had a lot of blessings over the years too… I married my best friend, became a step mom and later a mom to my own children… but when I say I did nothing, I mean nothing to further my education or spirituality.. I didn‘t even maintain friendships like they are meant to be nurtured… I stayed in my house with my (wonderful and adorable) children and husband, but even then, I feel like I did nothing..  I’m sure I could have been a better mother all this time… and I KNOW I could have been a better wife. Letting God into a marriage is a very humbling-and gratifying thing! I feel like I know my husband better, although I have always considered him my best friend. He knows me better than anyone on this earth, yet I kept my deepest thoughts and hopes from him. I wish I didn’t have to say that…. But I didn’t know how much it meant at the time. I didn’t know that an eternal family was Possible for me.....
I didn’t know if I was worth it. But I am slowly gaining my testimony, and self worth back… and I am gaining the confidence to go out and DO what God has planned for me… because while I have missed out on experiences up to this point, I know he has big plans for me. My patriarchal blessing makes that perfectly clear. I am excited and anxious to get going on it and I only hope I don’t let Him down again!…

Another thing I need to say before I forget it, is that there were members of our ward (and others) that visited our family over the years. I can easily see how they may have felt their presence was unwanted, or unappreciated. They were given the “task” of fellowshipping my family, with the thoughts that their efforts were likely going unnoticed…. But as an inactive person, I can honestly say, every time someone stopped by, or called, or visited with me in the store…. They planted a seed. That seed may not have been watered in time, but the seed was planted. And people continued to “plant those seeds” over time… with the hope that one day we might water them. And guess what? When we finally started to water those seeds, things started to grow all around us! It feels good to go to church, and see a familiar face…. To have a few people in the ward who know we aren’t “New to the area” because those are the few people who know how big of an effort we are trying to make… and they can possibly appreciate how hard we are trying-when others might not even give it another thought. I’m sure there are several people who look down on us for not living perfect lives from the beginning, but judgments aside, we are definitely paying for our decisions… I try not to think about what people think of me, because I bet I am being harder on myself than any of them could ever be…

I hope, when I am asked to visit an inactive family, I can Remember my experiences over the last few years, and befriend them without expecting an immediate return… because in my case, it certainly wasn’t immediate, but it happened! I am also grateful for those members who kept themselves worthy-and available-to my family for when we WERE ready… Because in our experience, once the ball started rolling… it didn’t slow down! (I wrote a detailed post about the events that lead up to everything.. it's a little too personal to share right now..) We were blessed in knowing WHO to call… and luckily, they had been living worthily to be ABLE to help us when we needed them most… They could have easily “fallen off the wagon” in the time it took us to climb on.. And then we would be alone yet again…  Our gospel is such a treasure… it isn’t something to live when it is convenient or easy… I hope someone is able to learn from my experience.. Because God has a funny way of humbling people… and rarely is it a simple or painless process… I think it is a little like reading the scriptures… They are such a powerful tool, to help us learn from others’ experiences, before God has to give those trials to us…

2012 goals

Because I was on bedrest at the beginning of the year, I tried not to even let myself think about my New Year Resolutions, but now that baby Kaimyn is here, I really need to put my thoughts somewhere while the motivation is still here... I gained a total of 11 pounds during this last pregnancy, 8 lb and 14 oz of it were my baby!! so i obviously am back to my pre-pregnancy weight already... but i still have a LONG way to go.. I intend to be back to my PRE-pregnancy weight... the weight i was before getting pregnant the FIRST time... and that will take a little while!!

Not only do I need to lose weight, but I also need to reconstruct my life in general... Before I got pregnant, I really wanted to go back to work.. I was over the "house mom" job, wanting more of a social life and tasks other than folding laundry and cleaning... With 5 children to take care of, it feels like I would be taking the "easy way out" pawning them off on someone else so I can have a social life.. but there are times that I would rather work 40 hours a week JUST to pay a maid, cook, and nanny! haha

However, after being on bedrest for the Majority of my pregnancy (accepting help from lots of wonderful friends in the meantime), I now want nothing more than to BE that stay at home mom right now...

to maintain a stress free and happy home,
to end each day with at least a clean kitchen and living room,
to have a well balanced meal prepared for my husband when he gets home from work,
to become more active and find things I enjoy outdoors,
to get ready at the beginning of the day, so I am not embarrassed when I see people
to balance my family's finances and save lots of money,
to teach my children that they don't have to rely on video games and tv for entertainment,
to have FUN and take more pictures with my family

When I think about all of these things, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by them and think there can't possibly be enough time in the day... but I know that the reason I haven't accomplished them already is because i have NEVER been good at following a schedule. so, at the end of every day, there is a list of unfinished tasks.. if i can finally learn how to stick to my schedule, i think these things can all get accomplished this year.. i don't have a plan in place quite yet, but i have every intention of posting it when i do :)

any tips you guys have would be greatly appreciated :)

30 day challenge

This looks fun, so i thought I would give it a try! I saw it on a friend's post as I was attempting to catch up on the 1000+ unread blog entries.. i think i need to do a purge of the blogs i rarely read.. (which is pretty much all of them right now, because the task seems so daunting!) It is supposed to be completed within 30 days, but i'm giving myself until the end of the year.. maybe then it will actually get accomplished! haha. Feel free to copy me, because obviously thats what i did!

day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you and your friends
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been to
day 6- favorite super hero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- another picture of you and your friends
day 12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one
day 13- a letter to someone
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- another picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them
day 20- someone you love
day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave for a lot
day 24- your last five facebook status'
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- what do you think about your friends
day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge
day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?
day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
day 30- your favorite song

Baby #5!!!

You may have already heard, but incase you haven't... my husband and I are expecting AGAIN! No, it wasn't planned... and yes, Logan was "supposed" to be our last.. but sometimes God has different plans for us.

I have had pregnancy symptoms for months now... but with Logan still so small, I didn't dare to take a pregnancy test! (He doesn't have any teeth yet, he started crawling a week ago, and he can say "dadda" and mumble baby words..)SO when he could FINALLY crawl, I decided it was time to find out what I secretly already knew.. I have never seen a "positive" reading appear that fast. Ever. SO, then it was time to find a way to tell my husband... We had a talk a few weeks ago, and I jokingly told him if i WAS pregnant, I wouldn't tell him for about 5 months so he wouldn't have to worry as long.. (Mostly because of finances... our doctor bills from the LAST pregnancy aren't paid off yet.. and lets face it-having babies are Expensive) So I planned on at LEAST waiting until Father's day.. But when I came out of the bathroom, I couldn't stop smiling.. He kept asking what I was smiling about, and I lied..

I knew I couldn't last a week, but I wanted to tell him in a cute way.. So I went to Pizza Hut and had them write "Baby #5" with olives.. I put a picture of the pregnancy test below the pizza and told him dinner was ready. He stared at the pizza for what seemed like forever, and when I gave him a hint, he started saying "No, No, No" over and over.. He calmed down a little, then got the same freaked-out smile I had.. Then I said, "See, THATS why I had to tell you... so we both can look like that!"


I feel like I have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. As I mentioned in an older post, since I was 17 years old I was told I was infertile... and when I was 20 the doctor recommended having my ovaries removed.. so I KNOW what that feels like.... and NOW, lets just say I can also relate to those who feel like their diaper changing days will never end!

But to be completely honest, I love my children so much... so I know this is gonna work out! I might not have an immaculate house (lets face it, I already don't!) and I might have days where I don't want to get out of bed.. but this is just a small part of the picture... and eventually, it will be great to have them so close together...

Maddi and Logan are 21 months apart, and Logan and the new baby will be around 17 months apart.. so I will definitely have my hands full!

I have a feeling there won't be many "pregnancy pictures" of me this time around, but these are the most recent pictures I have, so you can get an idea of exactly how "little" my babies are!

Some of my favorites...

I was looking through my pictures on the computer, and I found a bunch that I forgot I had.. here are a few of my favorites..

I fell in love with my Milkman... literally...

People have asked how Stewart and I met, and it is a complicated story.. I usually don't want to (or have time to) get into it, but tonight I have a few moments to myself and feel like writing something.. so here it is, for anyone interested..

My aunt got me a job at Smith's Food and Drug when I was 17 years old.. I worked as a bagger at first, then later moved to Customer Service and the Fuel Center. Stewart worked Graveyard shift stocking shelves, so I didn't know him very well. He was married at the time and had 2 kids.. so he was obviously off limits. We were somewhere between acquaintances and friends.. chatting occasionally about meaningless things, and sometimes talking about his family. I do remember one night, he came in with electrical tape wrapped around his hand.. He had cut it pretty badly with glass right before he came to work. I told him it would get infected if it wasn't taken care of properly, and I ended up being the one to bandage it.. (Kinda cool now, cuz years later-he still has that scar, and I have the memory of nursing him back to health:)


I dated one of his friends, and went to a few barbecues at Stewart's house. Morgan was barely a year old, and Gabriel was 2 at the time. While it definitely wasn't "Love at first sight" with us, I always thought highly of him, and you might even say I had a crush on him... but I would never have acted on those feelings. One thing I will admit though, is that I didn't think things were going to work out with his first marriage. I wasn't anticipating failure, but a small part of me questioned whether he was really happy or not. I moved away a few times, but every time I came back to town I would casually ask how things were going with him and his wife... Each time he would say "Good" or "Okay" or something. Then one day inside Subway, I got an answer I wasn't expecting... (By this point he had moved to the Dairy department, and worked a semi-normal schedule)

I remember the day clearly... He came in with his friend Mike after they got back from the lake.. and when I asked the usual question, Mike said, "Didn't you hear? They are getting a divorce.." I truly felt bad for him, but instantly I saw a "Newly Available" sign above his head... I didn't act on anything, as I was planning on moving to Provo soon anyway. BUT in the meantime I made a lot of unnecessary trips to the Dairy Section, just to say hi :)

I dated a few people during this time, and when one relationship ended, I decided to make a trip to Vernal for the weekend.. I went on a date with one guy on Friday night, but it didn't really go great.. The next day, I was in Smith's, and my friend Ashley (who knew how much I liked Stewart-in fact, a lot of the girls at the store liked him..) asked if I had talked to him yet. I told her I didn't see him back there, but it wasn't a big deal. I left the store, and she called me on my cell. She told me he was in the back room, and she would stall until I got there, so I HAD to go back.. I told her I would, and turned around and headed back to the store..

When I got there, I was really embarrassed because I thought she told him about our conversation, but she assured me she hadn't.. We talked for several minutes, and he asked me on a date that night... I was leaving the next day, but decided it would be fun.

Our first date S.U.C.K.E.D... in fact, if it had been anyone else, I might not have gone on another one... Would you like to know what it consisted of?? HALO. And an extra player... Yeah, I spent the majority of my first "date" watching him and his friend play Halo for a few hours. When I finally said I was going to leave, he turned off the game and asked if I wanted to watch a movie, and I agreed to it..

We have literally talked EVERY day since then. I made a LOT of 3 hour trips back and forth (basically every day off I had). He came to visit me in the city, and thats when I decided he was a keeper. Plus, I loved his kids to DEATH and it was so hard watching him raise them by himself.. After nearly 3 months of weekly travel, I finally decided it was worth moving home for. And guess what.. It was. :) 4 years and 5 weeks later (1,496 days to be exact) he is still my best friend..

Maddi's Lingo

I have been trying to work with Madilynn on her Alphabet, Numbers, Colors, etc... and I wanted to write down what she says before she grows out of it... She is so exhaustingly adorable :) I just love her! (She turned 2 on November 7th.. even though sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a teenager! ha)
Here she is talking on her cell phone with 3D Glasses on lol




Alphabet-I try to teach her the alphabet song All the time, and sometimes she cries, sometimes she just keeps saying E, and sometimes this is our conversation..
Me: Maddi can you say A?
Her: No.
Me: B?
Her: No.
Me: C?
Her: No. etc... Eventually she rolls her eyes at me (or starts crying) and I give up...

Counting-Maddi, lets count to 10! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10....
Her: 8?? 8. 8. 8. 8. 8. 8. (apparently 8 is her favorite number..)

Colors-Here is one that I can actually get her participation with... These are the colors, and then how SHE says them.. I love her little speech impediment :)

Blue: Bew
Black: Bat
Yellow: We-wow
Red: Wed
Green: Jean
Pink: Beent
Orange: Onj
Purple: Pubbow (sometimes she says Bubbow.. so when she wants her purple cup, it sounds like Bubble Butt :)

Other fun things she says:

Gabriel: Way Wo
Morgan: Mor Din
Logan: Odin or Wo Win

Elephant: Eppodent
Duck: Dudth (like width)
Spoon: Schoon
Okay: O Hay
"Mom, div me tiss"
"Here dow Brubba" (Here you go Brother)
"Mom I hold you" (when she wants me to pick her up)
Maddi, can you say "I'm 2?" "No, I not 2 mom."(then she rolls her eyes..)

Another fun thing she always says is "Oh, Sorry Mom.." then chuckles.. for almost everything I tell her to do..

There is so much more, but I can't think of it at the moment.. I hope at least Someone out there thinks it's as cute as me.. but if not, at least I can remember it for later :)